Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
For two days I have not been myself I was frustrated, irritated and was looking for moments where I could get angry, even the younger lot in the house wasn’t safe. Thankfully I got out of those emotions without any damage neither to me nor to anybody close to me. Probably a few sulky and snappy moments but that was it.
I felt feelings which I could not name because that was the very first time I experienced them. By yesterday’s night I was so sick of going through them that I desperately prayed for all of it to go away.
In the midst of all this I realized something which I find rather astonishing and a must share with you all; I internally became the witness of whatever I was feeling and experiencing, it was like there was two of us the one who was behaving erratically and having all those negative emotions and other was a silent observer of it all. To put it more accurately one was the space, the silence, the stillness or the plane vast ground on which all those emotions were falling like rain drops but the ground was severely aware of everything that it was imbibing but it was not interacting with that behaviour rather was keeping its distance with a very watchful & alert eyes.
And today while I was sitting with mom and the younger ones I was laughing and making fun of how I behaved earlier. Because this morning I exactly knew why I felt what I felt. There has to be a limit where one could remain positive, peaceful & in nirvana we are all humans and we live in this world where most of the time things don’t go the way we would like them to be. When even after praying and praying and doing all you could possibly think of nothing manifests according to one’s desires, irrespective of how good intentions one have. Yes there are some goals that I have set for myself that I haven’t met yet, yes there has been setbacks and all is not happy go lucky here. Having said that it doesn’t feel good either talking about it and there comes a sudden powerful desire to be thankful of the so many beautiful things that I have been blessed with, so much so that if I began counting them then the list shall be endless.
Moreover whatsoever I see on the physical plane I instinctively feel more inclined of not believing in it as if I should go into a positive denial i.e. to feel and accept all what I am feeling and thinking totally and then letting it go.
Besides under this rubble of disappointment and negative emotions, I strongly sense a subtle voice saying to me “hold on Sonya, just hold on”.
The miserable have no other medicine but only hope….*
Love to you all.
Sonya. (Day 87)
* Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare.
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