Working vs. Non-working

I don’t know why but whenever these two words are mentioned together they mostly refer to women: working women/ non-working women.

Unlike 30- 40 years ago today women have choices to study, to work, to get married, to be married and working, to be married and not working. In western cultures women are free to select their lifestyles; yet in majority of cases they have to work and earn a living whether married or single. Financial independence of women in West is both a necessity and a social trait.

However, when we come to the Eastern part of the world things are different, although in urban life women are encouraged to study and have a career, if they want. Nevertheless, a man is still considered the main bread earner and all financial responsibility of raising children and taking care of his family belongs to him.

Many of ladies are going to question me for what I am saying now, but in all honesty I feel that the entire financial responsibility of taking care of family should only belong to the man, and never ever to the woman. And a man should take care of this responsibility with grace and dignity, and not to threaten or humiliate the women in his house only because he is taking all the financial burden.

Throughout my legal practice, as well as in my social surroundings I have observed that whenever a woman takes the entire financial responsibility of her family, whether by choice or by necessity it has caused many socio-psychological problems for her.

The most unfortunate thing that happens in many cases is that, all men in her life whether her husband or brother or son or father who ever is dependent on her becomes offensive towards her.

Whether knowingly or unknowingly, first they develop a silent resentment/anger towards her, then they gradually slow down at their own job/work and ultimately they quit working completely and become totally dependent on the woman, whether she is their wife, sister, or mother.

Why? Because she is working and there is no need for me to kill myself by working hard or making a respectable career.

And please do not think that I am referring to poor families here, rather this is the most common problem in both middle and upper class.

A man is brought up in a certain way, whether in USA or Pakistan. Since very childhood, a boy is expected to follow certain rules decided by his family, religion and society. He is told to take care of Mom and sister while Daddy is not there; he is supposed to act bravely and not cry like a girl; and as soon as he grows up he is supposed to go out and earn for his family.

This is the role of a man- to provide and to protect. If for any reason he is unable to perform these two jobs his entire personality breaks down and he suffers from a serious identity crisis. For this reason he develops the resentment for the woman. However, eventually he begins to adjust and takes a back seat; yet that resentment stays with him quietly and just a slight trigger, might make him abusive both verbally and physically.

Why am I talking about all this today? Of course, there is a good reason. I am meeting many women who are suffering from the issues circling this subject and I am trying to find some answers and if I couldn’t find any answers then I at least want to identify the right questions.

Working is no easy job, I tell you. Today jobs are very demanding 9 to 5 time frame has long gone and now it’s 9 am to 7/8 pm or even more, so when woman comes home after putting in long grueling hours of work she has to manage her home as well. If she is unmarried, mother takes care of the dinner but if she is married then she has to prepare it as soon as she reaches home, along with the million household chores which await her. If there are kids then looking after them, their school work and preparing them for the next day is also her work.

In the first scenario, when the husband willingly consents to her doing job, he expressly or impliedly tells her that she has to do everything on her and if she cannot handle all the pressure then she should quit; because he did not ask or need her to work.

In the second scenario, the husband has already left his job or is out of work and due to wife’s job he has no desire to work anymore.

A successful and peaceful marriage is based on mutual respect, understanding, patience, compassion, faithfulness and above all, balance; it should not based on rigid terms and conditions. With time both parties in marriage are to decide what is best for them, respect and try to understand each others position without getting into an egoic situation where one is always right and other is always wrong.

I pray that all women always live a blessed and prosperous where they never have to work due to financial problems.

Having said that, I also believe that the best case scenario is when a woman’s main priorities are her home and family, and if she thinks that she can truly contribute significantly to the society then only she should work. Not work only to pass her time.

Whereas, for a true Gentleman would always give his woman the liberty to chose as she desires. Respect her decision to become a home-maker (house wife) or if she decides to work then give all the moral support possible, without any personal interests for the money which she earns- because that’s what a Real Man does.

May every relationship prosper in love and peace.

Sonya Syed. (Day 529)