Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
What could be worse than when in the midst of your favourite TV show the power goes off, although I am blessed to have a generator yet due to some technical reasons I was requested not to watch TV on its support. So what do I do then? I would now download the entire episode of Koffee with Karan Season 3, which had the interview of Rani Mukherji and Vidya Balan. It was such a pleasure to see such great talents laughing their way out and enjoying every bit of their interview, the chemistry between the two of them was simply awesome. Rani is such a wonderful and true actor and what can I say for Vidya she is the likes of Meena Kumari and Nutan. However, to see Rani after a long break was a pleasant surprise but I was also slightly upset to see her so sad, even though she was laughing and giggling yet her eyes are depressed. Somewhere in the pseudo glamour Rani Mukherji is lost, she has considerably lost weight and looks a lot older than her age. I guess bad relationships or our attachments to our unfulfilled wishes pull us down.
For more than fours years she has been linked with Aditya Chopra (director & producer of Dil wale dulhania ley jaengey) and every year we get to read that finally Rani is getting married to him, but no, it never happens and probably might never happen.
It is disappointing to witness girls who are educated, independent, and successful who looses perspective about an individual. Instinctively everyone knows that a relationship with so and so will never work but then our precious mind comes in and tell us all sort of stories, and somehow keeps us stuck up in certain moments and thoughts from the past. Nobody makes anyone a victim but the supposed victim him/herself self gives the entire power over to the other person. I loved what Marianne Williamson, a spiritual writer said, “If the train does not stop at your station, it is not your train”.
Each one of us whether a male or a female, has their own survival mode we do certain things in life for no apparent sane reason. I have often come across males, in my student & work life who have quite clear idea with whom they want or not want to have long-term committed relationships/ marriages. The there are some who get involved for no apparent or serious intention with girls and somehow making the latter believe that they are with them for the long haul. Some gentleman does this once or twice in their lifetime and some does it as a hobby throughout their life span and then they leave dumping everything on the girl making her believe that its all her fault and that she is not worth him or his family. I always wonder what motivates them and why do they opt for such behaviours, are they afraid that whomever they would choose their parents will reject them so why even bother, do reverse psychology, put the blame on the lady and run. Or they only hang around until it is fun and exciting and then as things get serious they cannot handle the emotional torpedoes so again, they run. Or is there some pathological dysfunction in their brain wiring, whatever it is, it is worth studying.
Then we have the infamous bad boys category, good-looking, rich, serial flirters and it is so mind-boggling that there are some really brilliant girls out there who actually believe that their love for them can turn a bad boy into a good guy. Of course, miracles happen and people change but it is rather impossible for some one to change completely; and if one does change it is a rigorous process and requires a lot of self-awareness, so all of you who think that they can change somebody forget it - if someone wants to change then let them do it on their own because you are not either a psychologist or a psycho therapist and definitely you are not there to become somebody’s punching bag.
It is so unfortunate that in the midst of this craziness the good ones, the real deal breakers go unnoticed. Somewhere our own darkness or negativity attracts us like a magnet to another darkness or negativity so both can thrive on the pain. Nevertheless, the light of true love is subtle but extremely powerful and if we can only once be brave enough to realize the strength of our own light and love then we could see the light in the other.
“It is not our darkness but our light which scares us”……
Have fun on the weekend & sleep tight my dearests.
Sonya. (Day 167)
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