Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
Thank you so much all for your encrouraging comments with respect to yesterday’s post and Junaid Uncle I needed this guidance, so thank you once again.
If not relatively but figuratively my life appears to have taken some shape; however, I encounter people on regular basis who believe that I have given up on life and simply taken a back seat by being extremely passive.
Yes I agree this is how it appears from the outside, nevertheless; I have taken another strategy to live. To begin with I am not looking for some big bang purpose in my life because whatever I am doing in this very moment, which could be either writing this post or washing dishes or doing anything, is my purpose. I don’t look forward to some dynamic bombastic life goal, to me tiny steps in the present moment are taken for the future and it would be my peaceful relationship to these steps which would determine the quality of my achievement in future. Believe you me I have been an insignificant part of the neurotic power and money game where winning is all that matters. We jump from one desire to another wish, pretending hopelessly, that this time after I get my desire I shall be happy, but no! something new comes up and once again the vicious cycle begins.
So, do I have any goals- of course I have, however; this time instead of following my own agenda jam-packed with my desires and wishes to ultimately gain peace and joy; I am first working on obtaining my peace & joy without any external influence, desire or wish. In the meantime I am allowing God to enter my life zone and tell me where should I go, what should I do, what should I say and to whom.
The good news is that finally answer is coming to me in bits and pieces, because life is not a Karan Johar’s movie, there is absolutely no drama, no exciting scenes, its all very subtle. There have been times when due to the nothingness on the outside I too have worried and given some serious anxiety pangs but then I cannot get this out of my head that, “the quality of your present determines quality of your future”. If I can be truly grateful for whatever I have today and at peace by being no one, having nothing, even when few of my wishes are unfulfilled then only I can live the future to its full potential.
One step at a time darlings…………….
My very best to all of you for the steps you take….
Sonya. (Day 164)
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