Give yourself a break darling!

After months and years of keeping myself conveniently in denial about my expectations, my hopes, my fears, my wishes, and my unwarranted attachments I have today allowed myself a space to breath.

When we are too much engrossed in our fears and wishes, we tend to loose perspective. We see things that are not there thus we actually take our own emotional projections as the ultimate truth and reality. It is tough to come face-to-face with yourself, to stand arms-less in front of your rather strong demons and to throw away the blanket of denial which has beautifully kept us away from seeing the truth. Facing your true self is far more scary then facing a well-equipped army on the borders.

Like many others, I have also made myself falsely belief in many things which I secretly knew had never existed, so that I can keep myself stuck in everlasting wish-worry vicious cycle. It is rather easy to keep yourself in denial and sabotage your own life than to face the pain and distress of the Truth.

I guess realizing the truth is not what really frightens us but the fact that what would become of us after we admit, whatever we are trying so hard to hide/deny for so long, and have invested a lot of time and energy trying to avoid. That void, that emptiness, that uncertainty is what actually frights us.

Last night was one of the most restless nights I ever had, I couldn’t sleep. Around 5.30 in the morning, in a blink of an eye, my life passed in front of me. I suddenly decided to realize all my denials, my mistakes, my weaknesses, my attachments. Once I admitted them all, strange sensations attacked my stomach. Nevertheless, marching forward like a soldier I took out all the papers where I wrote my denials when to the roof and burned them all. It might appear crazy; however, to me that was the most sensible thing to do.

When we have clutter at home or at work what do we do? We clean it up; throw away the useless and keep the useful.

I am not sure what shall be the long-term effect of this action but one thing which I deeply feel is Pure Freedom, with a slight knot in my heart, which my brain is labelling as sorrow. Yet my Faith tells me that the hero always gets knock down by the villain before he conquers him.

I think I am having a Carrie Bradshaw moment here, so let’s enjoy that….

And to all of you my dearest friends a very Good Morning….

Sonya. (Day 189)