Day 35

I was speaking with a lady yesterday who advised me to pay attention to my skin, hair as much as possible before I get married and marriage I could relax because then sab chalta hai i.e. anything and everything goes then. If you advise any married woman to look after herself there is always a routine reply ab iss ki kiya zaroorat hai. Since I am on the other side of fence I am unable to comprehend the truth behind these statements although there is huge pressure on me from all corners to cross over to the wonderland of matrimony.

Still these are nonetheless interesting points to ponder particularly when Valentines Day is around. I would only try to limit my views to fair-sex since I have no precise idea how guys feel about this issue. I would welcome any thoughts though. Well it’s true that quite a few times I have seen brides-to-be to exercise regularly, to look after themselves in every possible way before getting marriage and once the wedding bells ring they loose interest or to put it bluntly, they become lazy. However, ladies today have changed this notion and they have started to pay heed to their health and looks but there is inherent negligence and flippant attitude when it comes to their spouses. A seasoned husband once complained that women wear rollers at home and look their worst but they would do everything to look their best before going to party or a wedding or even for shopping to look appealing for everyone else. I personally have witnessed wives talking more politely to their cook or driver then their husbands. We need to be concerned and sensitive in this relationship, little things goes a long way, and this goes for both the parties involved; love, appreciation and respect are two way traffic and we could not expect to receive what we are unable to give.

In romantic relationships people get really excited during valentine period they give each other gifts, cards and chocolates and have endless romantic tête-à-tête. I personally could never grasp the concept behind all this, please don’t get me wrong its really sweet and on all but why do we need a certain day in a year to express our emotions to our loved ones when this is something that we need to do every day or at least once a week throughout our life.

During courtship couples are euphoric in each others company just talking, being romantic or being around with the significant other gives them an adrenaline effect. Expressing affection through gifts, by remembering and celebrating significant dates becomes the sole cause of existence. In case they do get married it’s only after few months couples’ begin to complain that their partner has changed entirely and this is not the person he/she knew before they got married. I wonder can anyone really change. This I can say with surety that no one can change unless they do a lot of soul searching which is not so easy, by the way. People hardly change but what we encounter after we tie the knot is the Real person. The human being that we met before getting married was consciously or sub-consciously playing a role which has all the characteristics befitting the wish list of the other person. Since we cannot play any role for long time and once we say “I do” and get up close the curtain drops.

There is a lot of time wasted in choosing the finest dress or the ideal décor or the accomplished make up artist for nuptial but no one talks about the real stuff. 3, 4, 5 years of courtship and he or she never discuss whether she wants to live with his family or she prefers to have an independent dwelling, which is a primal cause of 99% family disputes. Or how would he handle the situation if there would be disagreements between her and her mother-in-law or with anyone else on his side of family for that matter. Or does he possess the balance and wisdom to handle and manage his marital life along with satisfied parents? And above all, does he/she wants children if yes then how many and when; this is the worst issue which at times result in shattering the relationship. If couples would discuss any of these matters before getting married I am sure half of them would decide to part their ways. Probably, due to this very reason we are afraid of being our authentic selves thus we never put forward the questions or answers that would scare the other person.

But then we get all keyed up for being in a relationship. We become addicted to the person and simply don’t want to get into any technicalities. We actually get addicted to the Persona created in our own mind about the other person that we fail to see the actual person. What we do is project our own ideas and perceptions of how an ideal person should be like; we get infatuated, and not exactly in love. Story of our lives!

Love is not limited to merely remembering birthdays or giving valentines or chatting on phones or dressing up for a date but it takes a lot of wisdom, forgiveness, effort, patience, mutual respect and appreciation and a very sincere desire to understand our partner or anybody that we love and care about.

My love to all those who love.

Sonya.