Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
I need to have some interesting activity for my evenings as it in these very moments I am most disillusioned and have no particular direction to do anything. There are options of watching TV and of course computer and a connection with you all. However, in order to be with you with all my focus and heightened senses I need some beforehand zest.
There is a pile of papers sitting
on my desk and rather than handling it I am trying my best to avoid this bunch.
When we decide to do something our mind’s preconceived ideas about the result
of our work sets the mood. If we know that there is a possibility of favorable
results we would give our heart and soul to the work. On the other hand if we believe that the
outcome might be gloomy we tend to shy away from that work.
Our mind decides everything for
us in advance. The question here is how does it know all that when it hasn’t
even tried. Definitely there are ground realities and on the basis of which realities our mind rationalize and
logically gives us direction. But who knows what the mind perceives is true or
illusion. Our mind is conditioned by millions of year certain behaviour
patterns, our environment, our childhood and TV dramas.
Once when we were supposed to go
for a dinner and our host cancelled it due to her family issues. My mind
instead of accepting her reason went ahead and made up stories, like our host
didn’t want to invite us in the first place. That her other relatives are more
dear to her than us and so on. Within few minutes of this ridiculous mind
chatter I suddenly realized that whatever my mind just said to me was not what
actually happened but it was a scene from a TV drama.
Couple of days before this dinner
I watched a TV play in which same situation happened, a dinner was cancelled. What was surprising
that my mind picked up the same story from that TV play and conveniently placed
it in my situation. When I realized this I laughed at what I just thought.
Few days later we came to know
that one of the family member of our host actually fell ill. Since then I alertly
observe my mind and its stories because it tends to create disillusion. If we
are not aware of our thoughts we can damage our personal and professional
relations.
On that note I take your leave..
Good Night and have a wonderful
weekend.
Sonya. (Day 249)
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