Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
Sometimes one goes through
unexplained emotions, you are unable to comprehend the origin or reason of
their presence yet they tend to stick around and do their work. As a self-help
strategy you could detach and simply observe them to see what images and
memories they present to you so as to get any clue. Then you receive vague
ideas, however, you are unable to put all the pieces of the puzzle together.
Irrespective of how many ideas
you have or assumptions you make unless some concrete physical evidence is
given you remain in oblivion.
The perplexity which I referred
to in my earlier post has been settled a bit and for now I have decided to wait
and watch.
Last night was a night of
revelations. As I was trying to focus on my breathing and relax many images and
occasions of past emerged. What was surprising to know that when you decide to
become a silent observer, devoid of any judgment or resistance or attachment,
your intuition present a lot of information which you were not otherwise
capable of knowing. So some hard-hitting incidences were shown to me and man!
Much of the time we blame others
for the misery in our life but then you realize that you too have, whether
consciously or unconsciously been an active participant of the problem. If you
have ever seen in movies when the hero faces some conscience related issue, his
devil and angelic side appears. One tells him to do the wrong thing and other
preaches well-being. Something of the like happened with the only difference
that I saw my negative side doing all troublesome things and the soul was just
standing quietly observing it all.
I must say that those negative
actions didn’t affect anybody else more than they affected me personally. Everybody
around you is a mirror of who you are in the given moment, if everyone is
chaotic/unhelpful or supporting/loving around you then understand that it is
your own state of being which is reflected back to you. They all are actually
doing us a favor of showing our true state of mind. Our subconscious mind is a
really tricky place.
On the physical level it might
seem that you are there and I am here but in Real sense we all are connected
with each other and time and space are merely illusions. Much like a giant fish
net on which appeared to be thousands of knots weaved at a distance, however,
on a closer look they all are a part of one big thread. So what affect one affects all.
In prayers of peace…
Sonya. (Day 274)
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