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My Two Cents

Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase.   It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions.  This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
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The miracle we call "Life"!

As my PC was opening up today, in my usual restlessness I clicked and started three programs simultaneously so as a consequence everything got stuck; after a couple of minutes finally everything started one by one. I suddenly realized that this is exactly what I do in my life; I want everything in my life to appear in a second and I simply do not possess the “patience for waiting”. Then what comes out as a result is more waiting spiced up with frustration, a pitfall with humans.

It has become a routine with me for not being an irregular at the blog; by the way it is one of the things which I truly cherish in my life. Yet my unusually new and erratic sleep patterns developed very recently are taking over my most relaxing activity, the blog. I get two to three deep sleep calls lasting from 5 to 40 minutes; the first one around 5 pm, the second one between 6 to 7 pm and the last but not least one at exactly 9 pm. The sleep which I encounter at these times is unusual because I feel an artificial need to doze off; my head all of a sudden becomes heavy as if I have taken 3-4 nerve relaxants, which I never take actually. And most strangely the sleep is not done with one nap and I continue to take two more naps and if I don’t lie down in those moments then I fear that I might loose my balance, its intensity is such. I was out shopping on Saturday, voila it was 9 pm! Once again the drowsiness came full throttle and even after a nap of almost 30 minutes earlier I still wanted to get to my duvet.
I guess I am possessed by some sleep monster because this could be the only explanation for such a strange development in my life.
And now its almost 4 am and I am suddenly awake feeling extremely bored with the night and sleeping.

Life could be a dilemma if somehow one is misconstrued on the basis of his/ her past behaviour. We live so dearly and blindly by our thoughts and our pre-conceived notions about others that we are unable to fully be aware of the present. Lately I am also seeing things in my present moment with the lenses of past and this kind of attitude has invoked within me false pride and ego, which is topped by my fear. Fear of being horribly wrong with my new discoveries as well as my mis-analyzing or over estimating certain things and ultimately screwing up something new and beautiful. So I guess fear in me takes the lead, fear of being right and the fear of being wrong.

Sometimes the simpler we try to make our life everything goes ‘merry-go-round’. So yes the more desperately I try to clear out the more forcefully everything comes back to me. I find one answer and ten other questions pop-out.
And must I say that I have become extremely creative with my imagination because whatever I am experiencing in my mind and the way it is working these days I could easily give Steven Spielberg a run for his life. This is what happens when one sees too much of suspense and adventure on TV and movies.

I could understand if you would find the above confusing but believe me its all true. Though I might have consciously ignored few details due to the sensitivity of the matter nevertheless I can say that with the sort of recent insights (I don’t know how much of them are the truth or fiction) I am experiencing my life is transformed into one big-budget sci-fi thriller.

So cheers to life and what it has in store for us….

My love..

Sonya. (Day 155)

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My Two Cents

Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase.   It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions.  This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
Post a Comment
Read more