The Mystery of my Singlehood

Thanks so much Naved for all your comments, all we could do is pray and hope that everyone could understand the depth of this delicate and painful issue and somehow acknowledge the side effects which our actions today have on our future (with reference to the post “Burden of Love”).

Not to be able to keep appointment and arrive late anywhere are the two things which really get on my nerves. If I happen to do either of them the guilt and the anger which I would have to endure is just too much. At such times I close myself in my room and do not come out until I get rid of all the negative emotions because I know now negativity is a virus if one has it in any form then its just a matter of time that others who are living in proximity gets it too.

Enough of that now, I am today in a mood to chat about a long pending matter that is the mystery behind my still being single. After being asked a gazillion times this question “why are you still single?” that I have decided to come clean now and open up to all of you, share my views and hopefully get some insights as well.

Friends, family and acquaintances all have their own notions about my single-hood. Some of them believe that I am too attached to my mother and don’t want to leave her, ever. Others believe that I am probably scared of relationships or have commitment issues or have difficulty in trusting people or there is some insecurity. Or my favourites being that I don’t believe in marriage; or since I am the only child so my mother though on conscious level worries about my marriage but on subconscious level she is not willing to part with me, hence my singlehood. The last two reasons have never been expressed but implied.

Now the revelation part; however, I am afraid there is nothing juicy here rather the answer is quite simple that I didn’t want to get married until very recently. The decision was not due to any of the above reasons but only because I never gave marriage a second thought; education and career used to be the only highlights of my life.

Since my early childhood I got the best of the attention of my parents and family and being the only child made me quite special for my Dad and I was aware of it if then as a 4 year old. So the childhood was filled with the right amount of attention and love and since I was solo baby there wasn’t any competition either. I never had to fight with anyone for my space or for my parents’ attention and when I grew up I never wanted to escape to someone else’s house, for instance the house of my husband, to proclaim my territory- something which is only mine and could not be shared with anybody else.

Children especially girls are genetically programmed to turn into their moms ultimately and my mom as I had seen her throughout my life is an academic through and through so subconsciously I too became academic. In school, college and university my priority was always to get through my exams with dignity and then as a lawyer getting my licence to practice in Higher Courts and then work, work and only work.

All this has been my history and it was educating for me to go through every phase and do a little bit of soul searching. I have to admit that one does prefer to live in a comfort zone where all is known and familiar; thus having a dramatic change in the living style and going in uncertainty tends to make us apprehensive. Nonetheless, now when I have attained peace & tranquillity in my being and reached a certain point in my life I am ready to commit, to move on to the next phase of my life.

I could safely say that I have given my 50% of confirmation to marriage and now I am waiting to receive the other 50% endorsement from my husband-to-be, wherever or whoever he is. May God Bless him!!!

In all the love and prayers.

Sonya. (Day 105)