Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
All of us have our brilliant moments and also there are times when we have lost it completely, although in my current situation the latter would suit me perfectly. Sometimes the simplest of actions are exaggerated by our thinking and we tend to over-estimate their impact on our lives; and finally when we have conducted those actions we could breath a sigh of relief irrespective of the nature of outcome.
Nevertheless, when I would be able to breathe my relief I don’t know. There has been a lot of work going on in my mind these days- if I try and follow my instincts my logical mind would jump in with its cheap, loud and argumentative voice and informs me about the triviality of things. It tells me to be a 100% sure that I will get some benefit from my actions; it wants me to live my life today in the shadows of my past experience; it tells me only to believe what I can see or hear or touch with my physical senses; it tells me not to have faith in the unseen or the unknown; it induces fear in me; it preaches me individuality, separateness and conceit- I know that its my Ego.
Then I hear the subtle and dignified voice which has all the space of the Universe in it; and it requires me to be selfless; to think that we all are one; it wants me to rise above my petty desires and fears; it tells me that every person we meet or any situation we encounter is for our spiritual musculature training, it tells me to have faith in the Unseen and the Unknown; it tells me to surrender my self totally; it tells me to break my idols of fear, of insecurity, of greed; it tells me that honour and gain originates only from the Magnificent, the Omnipresent and not from any mortal or material source.
Now I shall see that in the battle of spirit and ego which aspect of my being wins.
Until then dearest ones a very Good Evening.
Have a great weekend!!
Sonya (Day 144)
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