I got over my most dreaded activity, I joined the gym.
Although it was more of a demo session but I ended up doing a bit of work
there. I always had this phobia about gym’s weight and strength training side.
Although about 8 years ago when I actually thought of doing any kind of
exercise I joined a gym for its group session of yoga and aerobics because the
machines intimidated me. I thought how can someone on their own figure out
these big machines and loose weight but what I didn’t knew was that there are
trainers assigned to every member for assistance.
As I entered the main area where they had all the humungous
treadmills and God knows how many other weight training machines, I was saying
to myself: what the hell am I doing here?
First I started whining about my ankle or knee aches and
like a child refused everything my trainer offered me to work out. I cannot
believe the level of my resistance which I displayed there; I had negative
comments about every machine.
I must say that the lady who was looking after me was really
patient because my whining was non-stop. As she switched on the treadmill to
the minimum speed I actually told her that, “I am not going to use it because I
will fall, I simply cannot keep up with the speed.”
After ten minutes into my argument
about my inability and fear to use it, I ended up crying literally and my eyes were
filled with tears.
As I am writing this I had an epiphany, an insight. Was I actually afraid
of machines or is there something more to it. Was I who was frightened or
something else within me that felt scared? Was it my mind, the ego* which
feared of loosing its place in me.
Was I
threatened that my negative and painful emotions which I carried for so many
years in the form of body fat will now be forced out. For some weeks I have had
worst kind of backaches, knee joint problems & lethargy. May be this is the
time when my pain-body* is getting worse because before leaving me it is going
to give me a fight for its survival. I must not underestimate the power of ego* but I also know that peace has infinite force.
So am
I not be allowed to label myself a victim of life situations? Am I be asked to
face and let go everything which caused me emotional pain and hampered
achieving my full potential as a human? Moreover, is this merely a weight loss
issue or I am in for something else here?
My
hate, in ability to forgive, anger, lack which my mind so quietly kept safe as
my fat is now challenged to come out. I am challenged to face what I avoided
all my life. Wow!!
At home we had a manual treadmill although which exhausted
me, gave me nausea and headaches yet strangely I felt comfortable with it. I
felt comfortable with it because I couldn’t continue it for more than a week,
thus it allowed my fat (a.k.a my negative emotions) to remain exactly as it was.
With my effort I managed to be free of the fat for some months but then I had
it again and again and again.
This is going to be some experience; more than my weight I have to see
what other resistances I will have now. Yes resistances in letting go of what
was painful, to forgive, to accept, to surrender and finally of making peace.
Do stay with me on this journey and support me with your
prayers.
Sonya. (Day 240)
P.S. For the words which have (*) please refer to my
Glossary’s page.
- I am categorizing all my posts about my weight management under the heading of Weight Insights for ease of your reference.
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