Yesterday I heard
the news about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ending their marriage. I
know I don’t usually do films gossip but I saw that famous Tom Cruise couch
moment on the Oprah Show so I was unable to hold my thoughts. Tom is considered
quite and a very private person but the way he jumped on the couch with genuine
excitement when Oprah asked him about Katie Holmes was surprising to the
world. I know he is a
great actor but what we saw was real.
It is never good to see people breaking
up like this especially when children are involved. What happens to all that “love”; he proposed to her on Eiffel
Towel and then had a huge wedding at an Italian castle.
Besides when common
people read about this sort of fairytale romantic stories, in particular the
fair sex, they make enormous expectations from their partners.
In the end I
think it is not pre-marital time that counts but the real challenge is when
people get married. It is the time after tying the knot, that requires the best
and most from spouses be it patience, compassion or understanding for each
other. Before marriage couples are always on their best behaviours and manners.
Both parties unconsciously plays the role of the ideal that would fit other
person’s desire. Since roles can only be played for few hours and not for ever so
when they get married those masks fall off.
After the
honeymoon period the real personalities with all their emotional drama and
baggage comes forth. That’s why we hear spouses say I can’t even recognize you or you
are not the person I fell in love with. Of course that was not the real person but only a
persona.
However people
who are authentic could never fall into this trap because when you are
authentic and honest you would only attract people who can be comfortable with
your authenticity. Hence there is no role to play to attract someone into your
life.
It is so
unfortunate that we all mask ourselves in every sphere of life; we are
different for our family, our friends, at work and so on. It is understandable
that we need to behave in certain ways whether we are at home or at work,
nevertheless, to take that behaviour as who we really are is a big mistake.
We
mask because we fear that if we are authentic people are going to take
advantage from us. This is where we need to strike a balance, asking for respect
and discipline is one thing but to constantly become a strange creature is
another.
I have seen many
people playing certain roles so well that their real personalities become
obsolete. I am also guilty of masking myself and honestly, it didn’t work in
the long run. I masked myself professionally because I thought being a female
in the big bad male-dominated world I have to prove myself. I portrayed myself
as the perfect and strong person and in that Act I actually deflected genuine
care, concern and help.
In fact 95% of
the people I used to interact with were always extremely cautious and reserved
with me. Definitely I always received my due respect while I masked but now
when I am learning to be authentic I still get the same respect. Setting
boundaries for others is different from masking.
Now I have learned
that its ok to be vulnerable, to be not-so-perfect and to ask for help, because
everyone is not out there to take advantage of me and this is definitely not a
bad world. There are and always will be great people living all around and this
starts with me being good to others. You
cannot receive what you are unable to give…
With blessings and love...
Sonya. (Day 322)
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