The Mask

Yesterday I heard the news about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ending their marriage. I know I don’t usually do films gossip but I saw that famous Tom Cruise couch moment on the Oprah Show so I was unable to hold my thoughts. Tom is considered quite and a very private person but the way he jumped on the couch with genuine excitement when Oprah asked him about Katie Holmes was surprising to the world. I know he is a great actor but what we saw was real. 

It is never good to see people breaking up like this especially when children are involved. What happens to all that “love”; he proposed to her on Eiffel Towel and then had a huge wedding at an Italian castle.

Besides when common people read about this sort of fairytale romantic stories, in particular the fair sex, they make enormous expectations from their partners.

In the end I think it is not pre-marital time that counts but the real challenge is when people get married. It is the time after tying the knot, that requires the best and most from spouses be it patience, compassion or understanding for each other. Before marriage couples are always on their best behaviours and manners. 

Both parties unconsciously plays the role of the ideal that would fit other person’s desire. Since roles can only be played for few hours and not for ever so when they get married those masks fall off.

After the honeymoon period the real personalities with all their emotional drama and baggage comes forth. That’s why we hear spouses say I can’t even recognize you or you are not the person I fell in love with. Of course that was not the real person but only a persona.      

However people who are authentic could never fall into this trap because when you are authentic and honest you would only attract people who can be comfortable with your authenticity. Hence there is no role to play to attract someone into your life.

It is so unfortunate that we all mask ourselves in every sphere of life; we are different for our family, our friends, at work and so on. It is understandable that we need to behave in certain ways whether we are at home or at work, nevertheless, to take that behaviour as who we really are is a big mistake. 

We mask because we fear that if we are authentic people are going to take advantage from us. This is where we need to strike a balance, asking for respect and discipline is one thing but to constantly become a strange creature is another.

I have seen many people playing certain roles so well that their real personalities become obsolete. I am also guilty of masking myself and honestly, it didn’t work in the long run. I masked myself professionally because I thought being a female in the big bad male-dominated world I have to prove myself. I portrayed myself as the perfect and strong person and in that Act I actually deflected genuine care, concern and help.

In fact 95% of the people I used to interact with were always extremely cautious and reserved with me. Definitely I always received my due respect while I masked but now when I am learning to be authentic I still get the same respect. Setting boundaries for others is different from masking.

Now I have learned that its ok to be vulnerable, to be not-so-perfect and to ask for help, because everyone is not out there to take advantage of me and this is definitely not a bad world. There are and always will be great people living all around and this starts with me being good to others. You cannot receive what you are unable to give…

With blessings and love...

 

Sonya. (Day 322)