Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
Tomorrow would be a long day so many things that were pending for months would be taken care of and I sincerely pray that all efforts would be worth it. Humidity in Karachi throughout the day is taking its toll especially when companioned with frequent electric shutdowns but nights are beautiful with moonlight glimmering throughout the sky. With almost negligible traffic outside one could easily be lost in the stillness inhibiting in night. Ahh the almost full moon is enchantingly magnificent and what more could one ask from life.
I thought if given a choice where would like to be this summer and the reply came as abruptly as the reflex system works, of course Thames in London Eiffel-Tower in Paris Gondola rides in Venice and picturesque Geneva are the beautiful places that I want to be.
But then I thought that I don’t want to be where I am Now in this very moment I want to escape, escape from the heat and probably the crazy times in which live today in our country. Its one thing to dream for something beautiful because that gives hope and enthusiasm but if looking for and desiring for something in future and not fully respecting and appreciating what I have Now in this present moment results in disrespect and negation of what is i.e. Now. So what should I do should I accept this heat and the conditions prevalent and live with it and feel whatever it is making me feel. But that would be tough isn’t it feeling directly and fully the sadness or despair or fear or anxiety or any other negative emotion. My mind then tells me no don’t feel bad emotions ignore them run for some mental idea in future.
Nonetheless, I decide to do otherwise and not listen to my mind all the time instead I shall feel whatever I need to feel and go through whatever needs to be endured accept that this is what is and make peace with it; since resisting the present moment or our current circumstances would only cause more of it and further friction because what we resist persists.
If only I accept the Now and surrender it to God then either I will be at peace or the situation will dissolve, in both cases a win-win situation. Surrendering is something like confessions in church, you could replace the church with God, we accept what we feel, our thoughts about it and then handover the baggage to the Supreme Knower of All; its similar like placing everything on the altar so it could be altered.
Then whatsoever might be my future shall become the extension of my present. And since there is no future out there but it is formed by our thoughts about it in the present moment, the Now; so why fight it, what's the point?
Oh gosh! the post is unexpectedly lengthy but thank you all for bearing with me.
So long dear ones sleep tight & have sweet dreams.......
Sonya. (Day 73)
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