Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
Some things never leave you irrespective of how much you try, hence once again I heard a remark about me, which was a bit annoying at first, but then I accepted it as it is.
There was or is a general perception that I am very carefree person with unserious attitude towards life and its responsibilities. Although the person who said this later admitted that it was an entirely wrong perception. What can I say but laugh at such notions. The very first time I have heard about it is when I was doing my BBA; though I worked as hard as anybody else, was damn serious about my career, punctual about time yet I heard such comments.
If you are the only child with self-sufficient lifestyle and if you prefer to be jovial then of course you are bound to be a careless person, to hell with the discipline or hard work. I guess people rather than actually understanding someone blindly follows pre-conceived ideas or whatever story their mind tells them.
In response to such believes I decided to change myself and committed to myself that from now on I will make sure that I am taken seriously. Everything changed within me, I started wearing glasses, have frowned eyebrows, spoke minimum and was hardly ever light-hearted with anybody. Somehow, in the midst of the desire to be taken seriously the masking took over and I lost myself, the real Sonya, somewhere and turned into this strange person.
Now you would ask me whether it worked or not? My answer would be yes and no. It worked because I managed to scare the hell out of people and it did not work because everybody became extremely vigilant in my presence that they closed themselves from me.
After these trials and errors I have learned it is crucial to be your authentic self, to let go off the mask and to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
For a second as I heard those comments I felt in me a gush of anger and sorrow both at once. I wanted to attack and defend myself of this baseless allegation. Then I realized that it did not matter how anybody perceive me and not in a devil may care way but really it did not matter. I did still feel the tiny dots of anger somewhere inside nevertheless my peace has taken over it as if I have become transparent and everything negative just passed outside into the air.
I wrote about it not because I want to defend myself but merely to share my experience. To tell all of you that regardless of how the world thinks of you never, ever allow yourself wear any mask. (Even if people judge you or you fear of being taken advantage still never let that mask monster take you over because in your defencelessness lies your real power. This is exactly how our negative side/ ego want us- to be defensive and scared. If you rely not on your mind but surrender every aspect of yourself to the power and guidance of God you become your strongest.)Besides whatever you do people would evaluate or judge you the way they want so why to waste your life in the futile effort to convince everyone; accept them as they are and surrender yourself to the Higher Power and don’t get into that neurotic attack-defence behavioural pattern.
In my love I say Good Night…
Sonya. (Day 171)
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