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My Two Cents

Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase.   It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions.  This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...

Dr. Jackal & Mr. Hyde

It is a well known fact that inherent trait of carbohydrates is to relax our body and to make us prone to sleep or at least get a nap. However it is not the case with me today because as I was trying to rest some thoughts or more precisely some insights into human nature came to me full throttle and I am unable to rest until I provide them an outlet for expression. So here they are- I am going to keep the identities of the people that I will talk about anonymous because I am very fond of them and second they are very well-known public figures/celebrities of international repute. However I shall name one of them as Mr. X and the other Ms. Y. Both Mr. X and Ms. Y have family ties but are not related by blood, Mr. X is quite fond of Ms. Y and whenever he gets an opportunity he expresses his fondness, admiration and respect towards her; in fact there are moments when he even ignores his own flesh & blood of such accolades. He is so much compassionate towards her that even if ...

Day 88

There is nothing to write, nothing to discuss, nothing to reminisce just plain idle mind with no inflow of thoughts. Contemporary gadgets are there to occupy the idle mind but subsequently it all reaches a threshold and we become immune to its enchantment, its not alluring any longer. Night is falling in quickly yet there is no inclination to repose. Nevertheless, time presses us to give in and let sleep does it wonders. Morning, yes morning would afresh the brain cells, give them the required zest. With the hope to have an active, positive yet creative day. Love and sweet dreams for all………. Sonya.(Day 88)

Hope & Despair

For two days I have not been myself I was frustrated, irritated and was looking for moments where I could get angry, even the younger lot in the house wasn’t safe. Thankfully I got out of those emotions without any damage neither to me nor to anybody close to me. Probably a few sulky and snappy moments but that was it. I felt feelings which I could not name because that was the very first time I experienced them. By yesterday’s night I was so sick of going through them that I desperately prayed for all of it to go away. In the midst of all this I realized something which I find rather astonishing and a must share with you all; I internally became the witness of whatever I was feeling and experiencing, it was like there was two of us the one who was behaving erratically and having all those negative emotions and other was a silent observer of it all. To put it more accurately one was the space, the silence, the stillness or the plane vast ground on which all those emotions were fallin...

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

Mind comes into a relaxed mode after a healthy meal and one gets a finer grip on thinking; probably because deep relaxation is a high state of alertness. If someone wants to quit any kind of addiction there is only one way and that is to go cold turkey, however, in case of alcoholism or substance abuse please consult your doctor. The addiction I am referring to is about endlessly watching TV or playing video games. From past couple of days the TV set in my room has lost its senses and all we are able to receive from it are voices from unknown frequencies. Since my room is multi function one where I have my lunch or dinner sometime glued to TV (a habit I don’t approve of for anybody) or a much preferred sitting area for my family & friends. Whoever visit us always prefer to be seated in my room the reason of which is still not known to me till date. The latest movie I had a chance to watch was a classic Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on TCM, a channel dedicated to telecast ...

Lack, Dissatisfaction & Greed

I cannot stand that I need to carry the battery of my laptop wherever I go what is the use of having a laptop when one can’t even put it on lap and constantly require electric supply to keep it alive & working. When I use to work on a system fixed in one corner of my room I so much wanted to have a laptop and was not happy for the lack of mobility. And before I had my PC I felt lack for not having a PC. If you look at the pattern closely you would notice that I always felt lack & dissatisfaction and wanted more; I got more and more however the satisfaction period was brief. Once I got what I wanted then I would again ride high on the horses of my desire and wishes, it seems like bottomless pot which could never be filled, the more we put into it the more it remains empty. Lack & dissatisfaction are typical human traits and I personally think are the foundations of greed. Whenever we look at our state and say to ourselves “ boy I don’t have anything or what I ...

My Writer's Cramp

After 4 years of waiting and inability to write normally I finally visited the doctor to have a check up of my hand and to my amazement I am diagnosed with Writer’s Cramp. I must admit that on hearing this I felt a bit privileged because this problem usually happens to people who excessively use their hands like violinists, pianists or people who write a lot; so I felt as if I am some sort of an artist or a creative person. Anyways coming back to the cramp it is nothing serious at all except that I would not be able to write properly for some time, although there is medication for this but I’m not interested in taking anything. The researchers have outlined few reasons however like hundreds of other health problems they are unable to determine the real cause, all they could do is give possible multiple explanations. To be honest now I don’t have much faith in medications. The drugs merely have a placebo effect the real healing happens from somewhere unknown, like when we get a cut on...

Making Amends with Past

I don’t have any idea from where or how to begin because today has been overwhelming for me. After several years of putting a lot of effort, perseverance and sincerity in my relationships I am ecstatic to receive the fruits of my intentions. Like so many I have made some silly mistakes and behaved in ways which were non-loving, when my actions were unkind and they did not reflect my true feelings. It had been more of action-reaction instead of action-response with dignity, humility and understanding. When the people who were directly or indirectly involved in the matter acknowledged my efforts and intention and realized that I authentically tried to atone for my actions. What could be better than to be forgiven and to forgive, to be allowed to heal and to start afresh. It feels as if I have acquired the riches of the universe, the feeling of abundance has completely taken over my entire being and out of these emotions emerged humility, gratitude and the hint from God that I should...