Allhumdolillah! I am at a much better place since my last post with series of lab tests, utlrasounds, a mammogram and some other really scary tests, and a gut wrenching anxiety of results. I am doing well thankfully everything was clear except low iron levels with vitamin d3 deficiency. These deficiencies are now on their way to recovery. It is worth noting that I have been struggling with intense brain and physical fatigue since 2019 but not a single doctor was able to identify my problem. Once somebody is diagnosed with depression or anxiety then every health issue they complain about is looked from the psychological lenses. Nobody asked me to check iron, vitamin b12 or vitamin d3 deficiencies even my mum who is a dermatologist always assured me that I am fine and this weakness is just a phase. It was a phase alright, it engulfed almost 8 years of my life pushed back my career and research ambitions. This is not the case alone with me but there are many people who silentl...
Final day of festive holidays and from tomorrow life would once again get back to its normality and the same routine. Come to think of the routine life I believe it to be a blessing because it is an indicator that we are not going through any unusual excitement of life, no highs no lows just a straight horizontal line in the midst of the blank canvas.
While I was away from my PC I was anxious to open it and share a thought or two with all of you and now when I am finally sitting in front of it I don’t have any thoughts in mind. There is stillness in the mind and neutrality in the feelings, which is again a blessing and a fruit of one & half years of thorough mental and emotional labour.
Most of the life situations that we find ourselves in are worsened by our negative, constant and repetitive thinking. Situations are always neutral rather it is how we choose to perceive or label them makes them the experiences of hell or heaven. Besides this the constant thinking which goes on in our mind, the incessant mental noise prevents us from finding a deeper Peace which is irrespective of people or situations.
But then the million dollar questions are how we find that deep peace and how can we not label people or situations. If we believe someone or something to be bad/ negative then how can we de-label them and think of them as neutral.
What I do in such times is that I start to listen to the voice in the head or my thinking as often as I can. I pay special attention to any repetitive thought patterns- the old audiotapes playing in my mind for ages. However, when listening to the voice I don’t judge them. I try my best not to judge or condemn what I hear because that would mean that voice has entered again in another form.
Very soon I would realize that– there is the voice in the head and here I am listening & watching it. I not only become aware of the thought but I also find myself as the witness of the thought. Honestly the thought then looses its energy and power over me and quickly subsides; consequently I am liberated from that compulsory and involuntary thinking. And then a stream of deep peace and joy instills.
Nevertheless, this is something which I have to do on daily and at times hourly basis to free myself of that constant mind chatter.
Geez.. its almost 12.30 and I seriously need to get some sleep for another day to begin tomorrow.
So everyone I leave you in peace and love tonight.
Sonya. (Part 2 Day 123)
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